


(if you're wondering if i want you to) i want you to

by paenteom



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (i say this with love), F/F, Pining, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-18 23:17:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5947060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paenteom/pseuds/paenteom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The best things take several attempts to get right. (Or: four times Jessika tried to hit on Rey and one time she succeeded.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	(if you're wondering if i want you to) i want you to

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to femslash february for forcing me to get off my butt and write anually. an even bigger thank you to [cypress](http://cypress-tree.tumblr.com) and [holly](http://droidhusbands.tumblr.com) who did an amazing job beta-ing this and without whom i would still be sitting here yelling "NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT". 
> 
> apparently their ship name is blue rey? that's so gosh darn cute.
> 
> and yes, the title is from a weezer song. it's a bop, you should listen to it.

**i.**

Rey's hair looks incredibly soft. Jess has been staring at it for what feels like a full minute, her fingers twitching nervously at her side.

Rey is bent over the mess hall table, furiously scribbling away at a pad and oblivious to the world around her. Jess appreciates that. It means she has more time to stand behind her like an idiot, sweating, clenching and unclenching her fingers.

She had practiced what she was going to say in front of her mirror this morning, but somehow the second she saw Rey and got a good close-up look at the way her hair curled gently against the nape of her neck, every single word she had so carefully put together earlier flew right out of her head.

This was a disaster.

Two tables over Dameron is giving her an enthusiastic thumbs up. She stares at him, trying to convey with her gaze alone how much she can't do this and for him to please come rescue her, but he just thrusts his second thumb in her direction too and smiles like an idiot. She's on her own.

Rey is still completely oblivious to her presence. Jess breathes in slowly and then exhales, once, twice, before she clears her throat.

Rey turns around. She gives Jess a small, nervous smile and it makes her stomach do the kind of flips she usually only gets while flying. This is awful.

"Hi!" Rey says. Her voice is warm and quiet, and her eyes flit between Jess's face and the floor. "Jessika, right?"

Jess freezes while her brain tries to process the information that _Rey knows her name_. She's not sure how she's supposed to react to that fact and instead of being useful for once her traitorous mind goes on lockdown and replays the way Rey's tongue had wrapped around those syllables.

When no answer seems forthcoming, Rey cocks her head. "I'm Rey," she adds helpfully.

Jess's brain-to-mouth filter recouples. "Hi," she says, "I'm Jessika." Immediately afterwards, she wants to die.

Rey's eyes crinkle with amusement, the corners of her mouth turning up just the slightest bit. Her lips are really, really red. Jess shoves her hands into her pockets to hide how much she's sweating.

"I know," Rey says, her voice filled with repressed laughter. "You're one of the pilots, right? You guys are awesome."

"Yes," Jess says, grateful to be on familiar ground. "I'm with Blue Squadron, at your service."

She stands up straight and salutes and regrets it almost immediately, because could you be any cornier, Pava? 

Rey seems delighted. Her face lights up in a real smile this time, a small breathy giggle escaping her. Rey’s eyes are warm and dark, and Jess wants to kiss her very, very badly. This is terrible.

"I like flying too," Rey says. "I don't get to do it much, though. There wasn't really any opportunity for me to practice on Jakku. I mean, there was the pilot simulator but I don't really..."

She trails off. Her smile dims just the slightest bit, but Jess notices it anyway.

"If you want," she says, her voice sounding unsteady even to her, "you could fly my X-Wing. She's easier to pilot than the Millennium Falcon, for sure."

"Oh my god, really?" Rey says, her pad clattering to the table as she pushes herself up from the bench excitedly. "That would be amazing, I've wanted to fly one of them since I came here for the first time, they look like they fly like a dream, and so fast too, do you think they'll let me fire the cannon?"

"Um," Jess says. Rey's stream of excited babble knocked the wind out of her somewhat. "I guess so? I mean, as long as you don't hit anything important."

"Wow," Rey says, her eyes distant and dreamy. "Thanks, Jessika. I'll make sure to borrow it when you're on clean-up duty so I don't accidentally steal it when you need it."

"Oh," Jess says dumbly. This wasn't exactly going the way she'd planned it. In her mind she had envisioned a romantic flying date with the two of them watching the stars from her X-Wing. She's not sure when exactly things had started going off the rails.

"I," she says, and then "um," again, and at this point she's begging for the mess hall tiles to open up and swallow her whole. "Thank... you?"

 _You dumbass_ , her mind helpfully supplies. _It's your own damn fault_ , she thinks back at it with all the vitriol she can muster at the moment (which isn't much since Rey is still smiling at her so her capacity to feel anything but helpless adoration is somewhat on the fritz).

"No, thank you!" Rey says. "Anyway, sorry, I really have to finish this?" She points to her pad. "But I'll definitely talk to you later, Jessika."

"Okay, yeah," Jess says. "See you later."

She waves like an idiot even though Rey has already turned back around before finally managing to drag her feet off the ground and move in the direction of Poe's table, away from this entire situation and to a safe haven of mashed potatoes and gentle mocking.

"Smashed it?" he asks when she sits down next to him silently and steals off his plate.

"Be quiet," Jess says, angrily chewing.

"You'll get it right next time, Pava," Poe says and pats her on the back reassuringly. Somehow, Jess doubts that.

 

**ii.**

"Just ask her to our pilot board game evening," Poe says. "It's low pressure and low key and since you're hosting next time you can just wait for us to filter out after we've broken the ice and then get your romance on."

"Or I could just never talk to her again ever for the rest of my life and retire to Naboo where I adopt thirty droids and live out my last days as the crazy droid lady down the street."

"Please take Threepio with you when you do, he's been hounding me about safety procedures for the entirety of last week."

Jess sighs and lets her head fall against the wall with a low thud. She watches Rey and Finn sitting across the room, talking to each other in hushed voices, occasionally giggling. Their thighs are touching. Sometimes they smile at each other like the rest of the room doesn't even exist. She hasn't seen Rey as open around anyone the way she is with Finn.

"I can't do this, Dameron," she says. "I really can't. How do I even know if she likes girls or not?"

"Who wouldn't like you, Pava?" he says, amusement coloring his voice. "Besides, you won't know until you've tried it. And while I absolutely appreciate the fact that adopting thirty droids on Naboo sounds like a solid plan for your future, I know you well enough to know you'd hate yourself if you never said anything. Forever."

"Shut up," Jess says, her tone fond. "Stop being right."

"Never," Poe says, elbowing her in the side.

Just as she's about to unleash a tickle attack on him Rey turns in her direction and catches her gaze. Jess curses internally. Is there anything worse than being caught staring at someone?

Rey's mouth forms a surprised O before she waves a little and points towards them while saying something to Finn. Then they both get up and start moving in their direction.

If Jess could retreat any further she would, but there's a solid metal wall behind her back. Instead she goes for the next best alternative, which is sliding slowly down until her back is resting almost entirely on the floor and frantically tugging at Poe's sleeve.

"Dameron, what do I do? Fuck, Poe, _what do I do_?"

"You could chill out, for one," he murmurs in her direction. "I can hear your heartbeat from here. I know she's a pretty gal, Pava, but that's no reason to lose your marbles."

"What would you know about reacting to pretty girls, Dameron, you're the gayest person I know."

He snickers. "Fair point."

"Hey," Rey calls from halfway across the room, Finn only a step behind her.

"Invite her," Poe hisses in her direction before unfolding himself and jumping smoothly to his feet.

"Hi," he says to Rey, and then, "hey you," lower, sweeter, to Finn.

Oh, Jess thinks to herself, so that's where the wind is blowing. Should have known. She scrambles upwards and smiles nervously in the direction of the two base newcomers.

"Hi there."

"You a pilot?" Finn says. He stretches out a hand, his dark eyes warm and friendly. "I'm Finn."

"Yes, hi," she says, grasping his outstretched hand. "I'm Jessika. Great to finally meet you."

His handshake is firm and his body language is friendly. She decides she likes him, despite the rumors going around the pilot quarters about where he came from.

Rey had been quiet until now, watching the three of them with a slight smile on her face, but she steps forward now, looking directly at Jess.

"We haven't really had time to talk lately," she says. "I was so busy with training."

She sounds regretful about that. Jess feels warm inside.

"To be fair, if I was being trained by Luke Skywalker I wouldn't really spend much time on anything else either," Poe quips and Jess's thought process screeches to a grinding halt.

"Wait, wait, wait, what?" she says. "You're being trained by Luke Skywalker? You met Luke Skywalker? I thought the rumor that he was actually back here on this base was just gossip!"

"He probably likes it that way," Rey says. She sounds bashful somehow, like the topic is a little embarrassing. "He mostly prefers his own company these days."

"Man, you must be really good then, if he stopped being a hermit specifically to train you."

"Well," Rey says, "I don't really think that's why. I mean, I'm sure anyone would take time to train their daughter."

There is a long drawn out silence in which neither of them move.

"What," Jess says eventually, at the same time as Poe bites out "What the shit".

Rey is studiously avoiding both their eyes. Her hand comes up to nervously brush her hair out of her face.

"You guys didn't know?" she says. "I thought everyone knew at this point."

"No," Poe says, "I did not know that I was talking to Luke Skywalker's daughter. I did not know that. I did not– I mean, what? Who are you? Are you gonna turn us all into Ewoks with the force?"

"That's not really how it works," Finn says at the same time as Rey mumbles "I need to go".

She seems panicked, her boots scraping over the metal surface as she quickly turns and flees the mess hall.

Jess stares after her, wishing she could ask her what's wrong.

"I was just joking," Poe says, clearly confused.

"I know," Finn says, "don't worry about it. Listen, I gotta jet. Talk later?"

He doesn't wait for an answer and immediately turns to jog after Rey.

"What just happened?"

Poe turns to her, his eyebrows scrunched up in that way of his when he feels like he's not in control of a situation for once.

"You ruined my game, is what happened", Jess says, trying to play off her worry and attempting to forget about the look in Rey's eyes when she fled.

"Sorry, Pava," Poe says. He sounds like he means it. "I'll make it up to you by inviting her for you, how's that sound?"

"You better," Jess says, flipping him off.

 

**iii.**

Jess had psyched herself up for five minutes beforehand but she still feels nervous walking towards Rey's favorite spot. It's a small outcrop next to the hangar that overlooks the lake and the entire forest around it.

Jess knows Rey liked green, having never seen much of it on her home planet. She spends entire hours just sitting there watching the trees at times. Jess thinks it's adorable.

"Hey," she calls when she's just a few steps away, announcing her presence as not to startle her.

Rey turns around, and smiles as soon as she realizes who it is.

"Hi," she says, "sit down."

She pats the spot next to her.

Jess lowers herself down onto the dry earth and throws Rey a sideways glance.

"See anything exciting?"

"No," Rey says, "but that's okay. It's not why I come here."

"Why _do_ you come here?" Jess asks.

"I like the solitude."

Jess shifts awkwardly next to her, feeling like an intruder.

"If you want me to, I can–"

She stops when Rey gently puts her hand atop Jess's.

"It's okay," she says. It's a deceptively short sentence, delivered casually, but the warmth of Rey's skin against hers says enough.

They sit there in silence for a while. Jess listens to Rey's carefully measured breathing and tries to think of a way to ask her about what had happened in the mess hall, and Luke, and everything. Eventually it's Rey who brings it up.

"It's a bit much sometimes," she says quietly, raising her hand from Jess's to smooth a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.

"I didn't really–"

Rey trails off, her gaze focused on the lake in the distance. Jessika says nothing, just looks at her from the corner of her eyes, taking in the way Rey is worrying at her lips with her teeth with a frown.

"You kind of resign yourself to it after a while. Being alone, I mean. You get used to it. You expect it. Only now– even when I'm by myself I'm still surrounded by so many people. And I'm a big deal somehow, suddenly. Everyone wants to talk to me and everyone has an opinion on me before they've even met me and it gets– it's exhausting sometimes."

She sounds tired when she says it, like she's digging up the words from where she buried them deep down. Jess feels sudden and abject pity.

"I'm sorry," she says, feeling helpless and useless.

Rey smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"Don't be. I'm thankful for much of it, too. Having a family is amazing. Learning about the force is breathtaking. I just– it feels like I'll always be Luke Skywalker's daughter now. I can't ever be just Rey anymore."

Jess turns to her, gently putting her hand on Rey's thigh.

"You are to me. Rey, I mean. You're not just Luke Skywalker's daughter. I liked you before that."

Her face is burning, and she's pretty sure she's beet red, but Rey is smiling genuinely now, her hazel eyes crinkling at the corners, and that makes up for it completely.

"I like you too", she says. Her thigh is warm under Jess's hand.

 

**iv.**

Jess takes a deep breath and marvels for the third time today at how quickly she has lost any semblance of dignity and common sense, before tapping C-3PO gently on the shoulder.

"Hey, Threepio," she says, "I need your help."

Threepio turns around in his endearingly bumbling way and focuses his photoreceptors on her face.

"Oh, Mistress Pava," he says, as warmly as that mechanical voice could manage. "As always, I am happy to be of assistance. What do you require translated?"

"Ahh– no, not translation," she says, nervously scratching the base of her neck. "Um, you're good at mediating, right? Like, bringing messages to someone and stuff when people don't want to talk to each other directly?"

Threepio cocks his head at her. "Indeed. It is one of my primary functions."

"And you know Rey, right?"

"Master Luke's daughter? Yes, of course. She seems like a strapping young woman, though I fear we have not had much opportunity for interaction. I hear only good things from Artoo, however– it would appear he has taken quite a liking to her. Mind you, that little bucket could be charmed by a bantha at the best of times; he's–"

"Could you ask her something for me?" she interrupts him, already used to and unfazed by his rambling.

"Certainly!" Threepio says, obviously delighted at the chance of assisting someone. "What sort of inquiry would you like me to make?"

"Could you ask Rey what she thinks about me?"

Threepio pauses, confused. "Not to convey skepticism at your motives, Mistress Pava, but might there be a reason why you cannot ask her yourself? She is seated right over there, at the other table."

Jess's ears are burning in embarrassment. She fists her hands into her shirt and stares resolutely at a spot next to Threepio's head.

"I can't do it myself, I'm too scared. I don't want her to know it was me who asked."

"Oh," Threepio says softly, clearly still confused.

"I like her a lot, you know", she attempts to explain to the befuddled droid. "In like, a romantic way, I guess. You get what I mean."

"I regret to inform you that I do not, Miss Pava. My programming may be adequately adjusted to simulate basic organic emotion, but despite whatever nonsense Artoo may tell you, I do not–"

"The point is," she bulldozes right over his protestations, "that it makes me really nervous around her and I'm not sure if she feels the same way about me and maybe if I knew I would feel less nervous."

"Ah," Threepio says, "you would like me to inquire as to whether or not she is romantically inclined towards you?"

"And maybe if she would say yes if I asked her out on a date."

"Certainly," Threepio says. "I shall take care of this immediately."

"You're the best Threep," Jess says, and watches him waddle off in a mix of worry and excitement.

"Don't tell her it was me who asked you," she hisses after him, and Threepio turns around and gives her a short wave to indicate he understood.

The droid comes to a halt next to Rey and gently pats her on the arm. Rey looks up at him. Jess directs her gaze towards the table and pretends she's not straining to hear every word of the conversation they're about to have.

"Mistress Rey," Threepio says, "a certain someone whose identity I am not currently permitted to divulge, and who is not immediately present in this very room in any way whatsoever, has politely requested an inquiry as to whether or not you are interested in them romantically, and whether you would enjoy spending recreational time together in such a way that I believe the organics would term 'a date.'"

Having finished his spiel, the protocol droid straightens up and falls quiet, his internal processors whirring away softly as he awaits a reply.

Jess's head slowly sinks to the table top until her forehead collides with the smooth metal. Of course. This couldn't have gone any other way and she should have known the second she tried to enlist Threepio's help. It's not his fault, really. It's hers.

"Um," Rey says, clearly confused.

Part of Jess wants to look up to see her facial expression but the part of her that would just like to try very hard to merge with this tabletop and disappear forever wins out so her face remains smushed into it.

"I don't know whether I like that person if I'm not sure who it is?" Rey says eventually. The question mark hovering behind that sentence is evident.

"Ah," Threepio says, "I apologize profusely, but privacy is of utmost concern to me and I have been specifically instructed to withhold the identity of the individual in question. I am so sorry, but I really must insist on an answer."

There is a period of awkward silence, and then she can hear Rey mumble "maybe if they're nice."

After a brief moment as Threepio considers her words, he nods briskly.

"Thank you," Threepio says. "Please enjoy the remainder of your recreational period."

Jess can hear him waddling off. A minute later her holopager beeps and she fishes it out of her pocket.

'MISTRESS REY HAS INFORMED ME THAT SHE WOULD BE AMENABLE TO A "DATE" IF YOU ARE, I QUOTE, "NICE." IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, THIS WOULD APPEAR TO BE THE CASE. CONGRATULATIONS.'

Jess sighs. He tried. He tried so hard. She can't even be mad.

'thanks threep,' she writes back.

'YOU ARE MOST WELCOME, MISTRESS PAVA,' comes the immediate response.

She shoves her holopager back into her pocket and vows to arrange a good oil bath for him soon.

 

 **v.** (+ **i.** )

The mess hall is almost entirely deserted when Jess stumbles into it in the middle of the night. The only other figure is bent over a metal desk, scribbling furiously on a small pad. Jess has a strange sense of deja vu.

She slowly makes her way through the rows of benches before coming to a halt behind Rey.

"Is it okay if I sit?" she says.

Rey looks up in surprise, her face lighting up like the panel of an X-wing when she recognizes Jessika. She pats the seat next to her and Jess sidles into it.

"Can't sleep?" she asks with sympathy in her voice.

Jess stretches languidly and cracks her neck.

"Cabin feels too tight sometimes," she says. "Have to get out and walk when that happens."

Rey doesn't reply. When Jessika turns she finds Rey staring at her forearm that's now resting on the metal tabletop.

"How did that happen?" she asks, pointing at the scar trailing around Jess's right arm like a pale vine tendril.

Jess flushes.

"I fell of a ladder," she says.

There's a small moment of silence, and then Rey bursts into laughter.

She curls her fingers over her face when she laughs and bends forward in delight and Jess loves every single second of it so much that she doesn't even mind being ridiculed.

She puts up some token protest anyway.

"It was a traumatic experience!" she says in mock seriousness against Rey's giggling which only makes the girl laugh harder.

"I thought it was a battle scar," she says between wheezing which devolves into outright snorting when Jess says "it is!" in a tone that suggests extreme offense.

"If you're just going to sit here and laugh at my pain I'm going back to bed," Jess complains in the most serious tone she can manage, which isn't very serious because Rey's laughter is incredibly infectious.

"Please don't," Rey says. Her hand reaches out and almost touches Jess before she catches herself.

"Can I touch it?" she asks. Her voice is quiet, almost timid.

Jess's stomach is churning.

"Yes," she says. It comes out shaky.

Rey's fingers are soft and warm, making the skin around her scar prickle. Her stomach is doing somersaults and she's trying really hard to ignore the way her chest feels hot and simultaneously too big and too small. She's almost convinced that Rey can feel the desperate beating of her heart against her fingertips.

Rey gently strokes over the scar tissue, then the soft hair surrounding it. Jess's breath escapes her in a shaky sigh, and for the first time since Rey started touching her she looks up and directly into Jess's eyes. Her gaze is open, and searching, and gentle, and it makes Jessika feel flayed open and raw.

Her fingers are trembling. She knows Rey can tell.

"You know," she says, her voice unsure and quiet, "you're supposed to kiss these things better."

The corners of Rey's eyes crinkle slightly in the smallest of smiles. She curls her fingers gently around Jess's arm, her gaze flicking to Jessika's mouth. Every single nerve in Jess's body is humming where Rey's skin is touching hers. She holds her breath.

Jess leans forward and bumps her nose gently against Rey's. Then she angles her head just right, and kisses her. Her lips are soft and dry and the best thing Jess has ever felt.

Her fingers find Rey's hair and curl into it and she lets the tiniest of sighs escape her. She can feel Rey smiling into the kiss, can feel her fingers stroking gently over Jess's skin before they come up to bury themselves in her hair. She's pretty sure she'll never be able to breathe again.

It's over far too soon. Rey doesn't move away, just leans their foreheads together slowly and giggles, small puffs of laughter Jess can feel against her face.

"You missed it," she says, and Rey laughs in earnest this time, her fingers combing softly through Jess's black hair.

"Guess I'll just have to practice aiming," she says. She's the one who fits their lips together this time.

Jess decides that falling off that ladder was absolutely worth it.


End file.
